Rethinking Sex by Christine Emba

Author:Christine Emba [Emba, Christine]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Penguin Publishing Group
Published: 2022-03-22T00:00:00+00:00

Sex Lingers

Given the profound nature of sex, it was clear why Brooke viewed her rape as a major instance of sexual violence, and why it had affected her for years afterward. There was something specific about the voiding of self-sovereignty around this particular act that seemed uniquely painful. But as the coffee shop emptied out and we continued to talk, it became clear that she, like many of us, had also had other unhappy sexual encounters. And though those encounters were consensual, the harms they caused weren’t necessarily less significant.

“Not much was enjoyable for me in college,” she said. “[Sex] was just what you did, because we all just wanted human contact and attention and to feel pretty. The men in these instances . . . just making out wasn’t enough. It was for me, but because they wanted more, I was like, ‘Well, this is what adults do.’ ”

Even now, almost a decade later, she pointed out that she and many of her friends still often ended up doing the same thing. “I don’t want to have sex with you, but I’m doing it because, like, I have to be”—she laughs dryly—“polite.”

Brooke talked about how she had recently become more comfortable with hooking up with men she met on apps. She saw it as a necessary reclaiming of her own agency and sexuality after disappointing past experiences. But upon reflection, she was less sure that it was addressing what really hurt. The sex, she acknowledged, wasn’t even pleasurable. She wondered whether supposedly “casual” sex was actually playing a mixed role for the other women she knew, most of whom had also had similar experiences—not rape, probably, but sex that they didn’t necessarily want to have. Were they seeking out sexual encounters because they wanted them, or because they were avoiding something—their thoughts, their histories, their bodies, their insecurities; loneliness, limitations, or even just quiet?

“Really,” Brooke mused, “we’re all depressed and we need therapy . . . but instead we’re overcompensating.”

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